Wind

Wind is a funny thing.

It whips around us, indifferent to the changes it causes. It may bring relief from oppressive heat, or it may tear down a house, but whip along it does. We are left to interpret the "goodness" of its actions (or perhaps the results).

Sometimes life happens and there is nothing we could have done to control it one way or the other. We acquire a job and call it good; or are met with the death of a friend and call it, at best, a catalyst. And so life's wind whips around us and we're left to our interpretive systems.

But we're never left alone.

Hallelujah!

Wrecked

**This post is long, yes, and it's raw. I didn't go back and take out the ugly things, the not-so-put-together things. I am not looking for pity. Prayers, yes. But mostly, I feel like I need to just get real with the world. No more hiding. Read if you dare. if you care to.**

Nowadays, the term wrecked is used to denote many types of situations--a sweater that has a large stain in the center, a car smashed into a pole, a person that sees traumatic, emotionally damaging scenes and is left emotionally distraught (with empathy.)

I'm sure at some point I've seen the first two, whether in person or on the news. And I've definitely been in the position of the latter description. I've been to developing countries, seen a lack of hope, and my heart has cried for those people.

But today, I find myself in a different "wrecked" situation. In my case, "wrecked" is a person emotionally distraught with self-pity.

Life in Limbo

"So what are you doing now?"

That's the question I've gotten most in recent weeks. Answer: Not a tons. But a lot, at the same time.

Here's the thing--there's lots of pressure to find a job, make money, etc. But I'm not dying. I'll be ok for a bit. I have money saved. It's real strange to come back to your home after making your home in a foriegn country for a year, and well, I think my heart needs a rest.

Part of me wants to jump right into something, anything, to know that I'm doing something of importance. But the other part just reminds me that I'm not quite done letting go of (not sure if that's the best term. maybe processing, greiving the end of...etc) last year. I know I need to be fully where I am, but my heart is lagging behind on this one.

Don't get me wrong--I LOVE being home. I love seeing good friends, family (my little nephew and niece, who we just sent off yesterday to visit Korea for 5 weeks!), and spiritual family; I love meeting new people and sharing about what God's doing in other parts of the world. But I guess the uncertainty of what's next is pulling me into a state of longing for the "good ol' days." Those being, of course, ones when I was busy doing something that I deemed worthy of doing. And I guess I've been trying to figure out--what is worthy of doing now, here? What does my heart crave to be a part of?

But the real question is, what does God want me to do today? What does HE say is worthy of doing?
Would you pray with me for God to show up in real ways and direct my attention, my desires, my path? My friend and mentor, Denise, shared with me that, as "cliche" or "sunday school-ish" as it may sound, going back to Proverbs 3:5-6 has been so helpful in the midst of the limbo-like life. I am deciding right now to pray that verse every day, as I begin my morning.

See, there are a number of things that I am considering right now. I am looking into Social Work jobs in my area, things with international organizations, other ministries, and I am just not quite sure where I should be focusing. Right now I am learning to focus on today. my family. my time spent talking with Jesus. And that's ok.

In addition to these things, I have begun to read through a book with my friend Evette, and I am loving the process of reading something together. I would encourage all of you to do it. Choose a book to go through with a friend or family member. Start reading it and discuss it every so often. :) I think you'll love it, too. With that in mind, I put up a page on this blog called "Recently Reading". Click on the link on the right side to see a list of books that I am currently, or have recently, read. You may find something interesting.

With that, I will sign off and get back to reading and dreaming big. Thanks for the prayers. I am grateful for you. Peace and joy!